


Forgiving yourself

by Tanel



Category: Planes (Movies)
Genre: Depression, Other, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27563683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tanel/pseuds/Tanel
Summary: Blade is going through stuff... Again...Why does Blade have to suffes in nearly every plane fanfiction? Or is it me only reading/writing ones where he is suffering....
Kudos: 4





	Forgiving yourself

Winter season the base was fairly quiet since some members were on a vacation for winter season, there weren't many fires at this time anyway so the team wasn't that busy on those seasons. Windlifter was put in charge since Blade had finally taken a break from work and gone home for two weeks. 

Blade stood on the middle of the lake, next to the large fallen tree that was stuck in the ice  
"Fuck…. " He quietly muttered to himself, he was breathing heavily, it almost hurt to breathe, helicopters like him weren't really used to cold, yet here he was, standing in the middle of the snow, hurting himself. He tried to hold back his tears but it was getting hard to do the more he hurt himself.  
"how am i going to explain this to Maru of he finds out… what would he think… he wouldn't understand, he will think i am weak and a coward…"  
Blade backed off a little and slammed his side against the large broken branch, scratching himself severely.  
"I deserve it, i fucking deserve it, i have to suffer, this is how life works anyway, we all have to suffer…"  
Slammed himself against the broken branches again, this time screaming in pain, this one had to be a deep puncture wound, he felt warm hydraulics flowing down over his shaking frame on the snow.  
He looked into the distance, there was a cold white fog hiding the snowy forest behind it like a gentle soft curtains.  
The sun had barely set but the stars were already becoming visible.  
Blade let his pain and attention to flow away for few seconds to take in this wonderful yet sad and lonely sight. He felt so cold, his rotors were hurting and so was his wounds, but somehow that wasn't enough "I deserve more, i have to punish myself"  
"i let my whole team down, they didn't deserve it.."  
Blade felt responsible and guilty over so many things, no matter how big or small.  
But there had been one in particular that never left him alone and haunted him to this day.  
Before Dusty was certified there had been another aircraft in their team, another helicopter, but she had to meet gruesome fate few months before Dusty's arrival.  
It was just an ordinary day, they were putting out another fire a bit further from the park, there had been suspectons and rumors that there might be few explosive materials under the ground since world war 2, but they haven't been found, the special forces had said the area is now safe and they had eliminated all danger of explosive materials that might have layed under the ground, well they had, expect this one…..  
Blade had just returned from reloading when he heard a loud sound right behind him where his team mate was just dropping a retardant.  
Then he felt a shock wave pushing him out of balance, nearly causing him to crash.  
When he managed to turn around he saw, from the corner of his eye the helicopter going down in flames, crashing into the woods. 

Blade wasn't able to breathe at this moment, everything went so silent, noone from his team dared to ask what had happened, they sure all heard it but they too were in shock.  
It was a painful day for all of them, Blade didn't even want to return to the base, but he had to, they all had to, they all, especially Blade felt so saddened and sick from what had just happened this day.  
Another picture on the wall, another team member left into memories. 

3 years had passed now but Blade still felt like all those incidents of losing a team member, any one of them, was just yesterday, he still remembered their voices, their smiles, how he trained them, or how he trained by their side. He wasn't thinking about it often, but when he did, these dark thoughts swallowed him up and suffocated him.  
"Why… how…??"  
He whispered, he didn't want to ho home, he knew he had to, his team needed him, he could afford risking to freeze to death. He slowly started his engine and kicked his rotors into spin, still feeling exhausted, rather mentally than physically.  
He was flying slowly and quite close to the ground, he was still in pain from the injury and his vision was blurry from tears. He made it home fairly quickly, he wasn't very far away anyways.  
He didn't want to admit it, but he truly wished he could just talk to someone right now, to call someone from his team, but he didn't want to "bother" them and it was past midnight anyways.  
He was now just sitting in his hangar, alone, but atleast it was warm and comforting, he was home, he was alone, but atleast he was home. The injury he inflicted on himself still dripped from blood, but it was slowing down, Blade didn't really find any mental or physical energy to cover his wound right now, he crashed again his sleeping mat, back wheels and tail lying over the edge of it and he fell into not so peaceful sleep, exhausted, injured and alone.


End file.
